Chvi

What I Pledge to Myself.

1. I will take the time to say all my feelings for the day. To myself. And allow them to take form and then let go.

2. I will only take every day one day at a time. The past has been done and there is nothing you can do to change it. Don't project the future. See the day as it is.

3. See the surprises of each day. Ignore the nag.

4. Take the time to be thankful for what you have. Plenty of people have it worse then you.

5. Make decisions based only on you. There is no one else. Just you. 

6. Don't make assumptions of what people think of you. Assume everyone sees you as a floater. 

7. Learn how to be happy with being on your own.

posted by chvi @ 8:58 PM 0 comments

wheels are turning

The feeling of impending doom looms over me daily.

posted by chvi @ 1:07 PM 0 comments

And here's where we land

I probably don't need to say it to you at all. You and I both know that you know.

But I love you. I honestly do. Who knows when and who knows why, but its there. And I really wish you would accept it. And return it.

But you don't. And for the life of me, I can't understand why. I don't know why you still want to be there way you are with me but then make me feel so small all the time.

I struggle to understand where's this is coming from. And how i'm meant to act from here.

I wish you'd take ownership of what's happened too. You have lead me on. And you continue to do so. You are  having your piece of and your cake too.

I hate knowing you'll do fine without me. Because I'm not sure I'll do fine without you.

But one thing is clear to me now.

I can't continue being in this position if you don't want the same things as me.

So here it is.

My silent good bye.

I will miss you. You will leave the biggest hole in my heart.

I wish you all the best. I really do. But I can no longer be part of your life. And you'll do fine without me. So there's no point in me saying a word is there?

You'll do great.

And I'll do ok.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. You'll do great.

And I'll do ok.

posted by chvi @ 6:46 PM 0 comments

not sure what to do from here

I am struggling to figure out what to do from here.
What you said to me doesn't make complete sense in my head. And I still don't know exactly what that means. From your end. What's your point? Why tell me something like that? I'm confused.

I'm confused as to how I was meant to interpret the whole situation. I'm not sure what u expect of me. Do u want me to move on? Do u want me to wait? Do u want me to think there's a possibility? I'm not sure. I don't know what to do.

I hate hate the fact that u look at other girls. I hate the fact u think other girls are way hotter. I hate that I actually agree with u. I'm really not sure what I can offer. I hate that that's how I feel all about it.

I also hate that everythings on ur terms, and I haven't gotten a say. It's not fair. Why is this?

If i think of this carefully, this is what I want:
1. You to actually care about me. You to actually show me that you care.
2. You to actually think that i'm worth something.
3. You to actually not think of other girls.
4. You to be committed.

The next question stands that are you worth it to me. I actually don't feel like I know you. I don't know how ur mind works. Do I actually like you, or am I bored?

I'm not sure what to do here. I'm not sure what to say to u. I need u, to stop playing games.
.... I may have to break away from u.

posted by chvi @ 11:47 PM 0 comments

ponderings.

I am sitting here at the age of 25.

Turning 26 soon.

What have I achieved?

1. Good job prospects

2. Good friends

3. Good family

4. Good financial standing now.

What I hope for:

1. Getting into a program and passing exam

2. Falling in love with the right man

3. Move forward with life with said right man

What I don’t like about my life at the moment:

1. How I feel about life

2. The way my supposedly closest friends described me:

- intense

- high maintenance

- co dependent

3. My weight

4. The way I study

5. The way I miss him. Why do I miss him.

There are only a few things I can change with the above.

1. The way I study

- I must become more pro active about study

- Stick to study group

- No more distractions

- Read at least 10 pages per day.

2. How to be less co dependent

- need to have days with no CONTACT with those I want to contact

- u can do it!

3. My weight

- no more junk food every day

- weekends are ur days u can have…2 pieces of junk food

4. Why do you miss him?

posted by chvi @ 9:44 PM 0 comments

I often wonder what gets me here and why I even care.
Or what to tell myself when this point comes.

Because I'm pretty sure that I don't want him to be my end all and be all. I'm pretty sure that I don't like him in that way. But everytime he gets a new girl, it hurts.

I THINK, its because I'm pathologically selfish.

I don't live a horrible life. I live a great life. But I'm always wanting more and I'm always wanting the invite and i'm always wanting to be involved, to be included, to be loved.

So i really shoudn't be asking for more.

I just feel like its never going to happen for me and it sucks everything I've ever wanted out of me.

Surely, I'm not that horrible?

posted by chvi @ 8:45 PM 0 comments

And there goes my internship!

It has been quite a while since I've written here, mainly for lack of something to write.

Or has it been that my mood has been ok? Probably that. I do tend to only write in angst. Haha.

Anyway, internship is now over. Over. What did u say? U were a doctor for 1 year (53 weeks to be exact) and u survived? Really? Was it as bad as u thought it would be?

In fact, it wasn't. Internship as a whole, was a very good experience and I'm so glad I did it where I did. Sure it wasn't a big network, it had some average regs, it had average nurses, they pushed u as a junior doctor, but I feel at least i'd be able to better manage everything on a whole. Or so i'd like to think.

But the biggest surprise were the friendships that came out of this. And the enjoyment I had to go work with these people everyday. And I won't have them this new year. Which is awfully sad. They are bonded to me bc they experience all of this with me, and I really do think they've kept me sane. So much so I haven't posted in 6 months. That's telling u something!

Let's remininse abt internship shall we:

# The Good:
- saying ur an intern and hence getting lots of help
- friendships. can't say it enough
- living so close to work i can wake up 20 mins before having to get there
- bairnsdale. what a nutcracker.
- learning something new most days
- coffee
- getting to know ur consultants properly
- hilarious stories from demented patients
- hilarious stories from nurses
- figuring out what cholervscent is
- figuring out what u had to do on a cover shift
- med ball

# The Bad:
- being an intern and hence scared shitless
- code blues
- getting paged every 5 mins
- being told to do stupid discharge summaries every week. damn u admin.
- working cover
- shift work


Overall, not a bad year. Probably won't be highly memory but to my intern group, u guys were awesome and will always be known as AWESOME. Couldn't have done it without u guys. Wish u all the best and hope our paths cross again. Won't that just be fun?

posted by chvi @ 12:42 AM 0 comments