how i put things to words i couldn't tell u
I spend alot of time coming up w scenarios in my head regarding what might happen in the future.
Only bc I can't stand putting hopes on things that don't turn out. It's a delicate balance between me trying to stay optimistic about what will happen and fending off the overwhelming feeling that the future is disappointment.
And I hate disappointment. Absolutely. I hate it to its core bc it hurts too much. It hurts to think that despite believing otherwise, ur not really worthy of anything at all.
I'm a little lost at the moment.
I have now worked for 6 months. I have had some scary moments throughout it.
I just finished doing nights and one of my nights was horrible. I had what could have been effectively 3 code blues in one go.
The official code blue was a pt who was going to go home later that day. And then out of the blue she became unconscious. Bleeding in the brain. Coned. Died 10 hrs later.
Throughout it all I couldn't do much. I was numb. I couldn't believe that the hx that came with her pretty much said she was well. She was doing so much better than so many other patients in the ward, but then in a second, time changed and she was completely gone.
Telling the family was awful. They couldn't speak english either. Tryin to tell a family who were told just the day before that ur wife, ur mother was OK, good to go home, and suddenly tellin them that we had nothing, absolutely nothing else to offer was heartbreaking.
And in the midst of it I had another pt who was doing crap and had to go to ICU and another one who kept desating and eventually I learnt, ended up intubated and in ICU.
These events have shaped my life. They are shaping my life. And I know it means I really need to cherish life more. That I need to be happy with my lot, because hey, I've done well.
But all I want is a good relationship and to have someone know me better than I know myself. I want the happy ending. I want the fairytale ending. And for some reason, I've been missing out on it for 6 years.
Hope and disappointment are so close together I don't know what to think.
I just hope, I get enough time in this lifetime to experience some part of the fairytale ending. I really really really hope so. And even though I deal with disappointment of not even having a touch of it for the last 6 years, to get to the end and not have it ever, would absolutely break my heart. It would make me feel like I didn't live life at all.
It's my biggest fear for my future.
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