deep deep thoughts
Disclaimer #1: Ok, if ur not into reading abt religion STOP READING. STOP READING STOP READING STOP READING STOP READING.
Disclaimer #2: The following blog is not meant to offend ANYONE....so please don't get offended...if u think u will bc well, it involves religion....STOP READING STOP READING STOP READING! i have enough stresses wo having to worry abt offending someone ok?
haha. How many of u did i scare away? Yes...usually i wouldn't delve into such a topic - bc it is so controversial....but sorry, part of the whole learning abt me stuff...hehe so i'm so sorry...please, seriously, don't read on unless ur ready to not pass judgement, ready not to get angry, ready to forget everything u've read as soon as u've finished reading this blog.
i was cleaning out my desk which, sadly, has been w me since i was 6 yrs old...and i found this old piece of scrap paper w scribble on it. i could have thrown it out, since it was brown and all, but decided to unfold it and read what it was, see if it shows me the 'little me' and how different i was then...
and boy, did i find something. i must have been 8-9 yrs old. and it was a letter. to God himself.
what was in the letter isn't really important. what is, is the sudden shock of remembering all those years ago (omg 10 years to be exact!), the exact moment when i wrote that letter, the exact time, the place, and why i had written it. I usually don't remember stuff like that at all (shocking shocking memory i do possess) but while reading it, i could feel the exact situation - if that makes sense.
and it was shocking. and deverstating too. only bc it took me back so far, and i realised just how unhappy i was all those years ago....and its actually very sad to believe that at 8, 9 years old i was having the same issues i'm almost having now (except back then, they were of course very simplified). i expect these issues now, but not then. back then, well, kids should always have fun and not have to worry abt crap like that at ALL.
the letter is stained w tears. i still remember the amount of crying i did back then. i swear, my eyes were so swollen that all i could do was crawl into bed and keep the eyes shut. i couldn't sleep. but the eyes hurt too much to open.
it's hard to explain the contents of the letter. its mainly bc it would be a rather long history of my life (ah....too many words to type up) and partly bc i don't want to share them. At that age, what i wrote on that paper was only for God, and strangely, even though at any time now, if anyone walked in on me at this very moment, they could find the letter, i still believe it is for God only.
I'm not that religious. In fact sometimes i question the religious faith. But i don't question God. I know some of u can't make that distinction - for many of u, it doesn't exist. but at 8 yrs old, religion just didn't click. God did. God was my Lord. God looked after me. God got me. God was the only thing that stopped me from feeling so DAMN LONELY.
i've forgotten that feeling. and reading that letter, i just remember how much faith i had in God keeping me company, even though i could never see him (at that age, i said it was bc i wasn't dying, nor hungry, nor needy - God had more important work to do). i remember thinking, no one loves me down here...but God does. God loves me...and he'll make sure i'll be ok...i remember crying to God, i remember thanking God for his love, i remember wishing God will take me to his world.
i don't do that now. bc well, it just seems so petty to complain to God abt my problems, when there's obviously so much more in the world to worry abt. But i guess reading that letter is helping me along at this moment. Because its reminded me, that i'm not alone.
i may feel like i'm alone. But i do have God. I do have my family. and though i'm too selfish to accept that as all i need, i know that i have more than most ppl. I just wish, sometimes, that i was happy w just that.
sometimes though.
loneliness is all i think abt.
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