look at me
Recently, I've been told many things abt myself. Mainly, the things i shouldn't do.
* i shouldn't apologise for anything in this blog - its mine - don't apologise for my thoughts
* i shouldn't drive so carelessly -i'm playing w lives there
* i shouldn't feel like friendships need effort - that it all just happens
* i shouldn't go out anymore - its exam time u stupid fuck, study
* i shouldn't make excuses any more - grow up
* i shouldn't be so lazy - i have opportunities, use them
* i shouldn't make a big deal out of the smaller things - they're a waste of my time
for those who told me the abv list, it isn't to make u feel guilty or anything. It is simply a list to show where i am now. and its actually much appreciated. i said somewhere on this blog that i needed a good kick in the butt, and when u start to see ur flaws in the eyes of other ppl around u - u are forced to take a good long look at urself, and that's a good thing.
and i've realised somewhere that i'm starting to not like me. the abv list shows me just how much i need to figure myself out. but its hard, so hard, when i'm dealing w the unflattering pieces.
i hate the way i complain all the time. i hate the way i take so many things for granted. i hate having such fucked up feelings that i don't even know where to begin to get them sorted. i hate knowing that most of this is my fault. i hate knowing that some time this semester, i took the wrong path and i can't get myself off it. i hate how paranoid i get over the littlest things. i hate picking up vibes off other ppl and making assumptions w them. i hate being so overly sensitive.
i hate being around so many ppl and not feeling any connection. i hate feeling like an invisible wall amongst the crowd. i hate feeling alone. i hate how i can't seem to get a good night's rest anymore. i hate that i get addicted to so many things. i hate feeling like i'm in the back of the minds of so many ppl that i care for.
i hate knowing that i need something soon. i hate knowing that i need it soon, otherwise i'm going to crumble. i hate that i don't know what something is. i hate how, no matter how many ppl try, i confuse them by shunning them off, then complaining again, shunning off, complaining. i hate playing mind games w myself.
i hate how i want to cry. i hate how i want to cry to make it all wash away. i hate how no tears will come. i hate how i need validation.
i hate, hate it so much, that i feel lost.
its like i walked off into another direction ahead of everyone else. its like i forgot to let them follow me - and bc i went so far ahead, everyone went the other way. and my side is now so bleak, i'm the only one there. all i want to do is sit on the floor and let time past. bc i don't know how to return. i'm that lost.
i'm simply clinging on now. my demons are gnawing at my ankles and i almost want to slip away w them. i think over the past few weeks, i've given up on so many issues a thousand times...only to have them come back and bite me harder.
i hate now that i've made all u worry. i really shouldn't put this post up, but i think i need to for my own sake. so i know what's wrong w me. i hate now, that i can't apologise to u guys for this.
please don't worry too much abt this. ha - probably shouldn't have written this then, but i'm just so...well...gone. at the end of the week,i'll probably figure its just exams, and how its making me feel so much stress and angst and its just flowing into other areas of life.
u know what i hate the most? i hate, how i gloss over the little great things that anyone in my life does for me. i hate taking them for granted. i hate how i don't focus on those little things. instead, i focus on the petty things, the little things that are unintentional, the little things that don't actually mean a thing. i hate how i make them to be the biggest deal in the world, and that i've made them shadow all the good things.
i hate doing this to myself.
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