Chvi

a wish

I use to be able to enjoy my own company. i mean, sometimes during the holidays, i would hardly meet any of my friends, spent most of the day in a separate room from david.

and i actually did enjoy it. i got to do my own thing. do what i need to do. whatever.

and yet, now i find myself despising the times i am alone. there's like an ultimate fear of it, bc its when i'm alone that the negative thoughts come through. its when i'm alone that i am forced to look at myself.

it's gotten so bad that i now SEEK out david....just to talk to someone...even if its something stupid as david, u look ugly. i even let him hug me more now (hehe it was a game we use to play - no huggies...NO HUGGIES!!) bc then i don't have to feel so isolated from everything.

the other day, i literally went up to him and hugged. and he asked: ok thu, what's up? what do u want? and spent the rest of the day being very suspicious of me.

and for the first time in my life, i wanted to tell him: i'm not doing well minh. i'm lonely. i feel vulnerable....

but its hard to tell him that. esp when he relies on me to be stronger than he is at all times. i mean that's what older sisters are for right?

and its times like these, when i see what i offer him (and i'm not complaining now, its something that i'm going to give him and i won't expect anything in return) that i wish, i really wish, i had someone to rely on. i wish i had someone who would be stronger for me. someone who i knew would look after all the little gritty stuff abt me. someone to tell me, ok, today we're doing this, u wanna come along? someone to tell me, ok, u're going to be ok...i'll take care of everything.

it's a little selfish (ok maybe lots). but it still doesn't mean i wish it.

posted by chvi @ 8:30 PM