update
Hard decision #1: What to do w this new self discovery
Yeah. So i figured, i forgot to update u guys on my new self discovery. yeah. I found it. and is it bad news? depends on how u take it - i now know why i've been acting a certain way to certain ppl for the past few weeks and i now know where i personally stand on a few issues that i perceive to be important.
It's bad news in that the reasons for my actions are rather shockingly selfish. I'm a little unsure what to do from here. because i have two ways to go from here: i can take the 'ok, forget it, let time heal all problems' route or the 'that's it i've had enough'.
The truth is, i HAVE HAD enough. I'm tired of all of it. And i guess i have been all semester and i've reached this point once or twice before - but just haven't pushed over and done something drastic abt it bc i didn't feel the need to...but w recent added pressures of study and blah blah, i've had to deal w this problem. And i think i'm ready to take that extra step over that line.
Its going to be tough. In fact, I could get myself into lots of trouble for it. Friendships are going to change (aren't they always) - and the extent of it depends on how much i push the barrier...the frightening thing is that i'm not sure how they're going to change, whether or not good or bad will come from it.
It can be very good. Bc w my changed actions, perhaps, just maybe, somebody will notice and start being aware of the situation around us. Just maybe, someone will realize that there is a weak link somewhere and when one other person knows abt it, perhaps, soon everyone else will too - and we can work towards fixing it.
On the other hand, this could get bitter. Some won't like what i may end up doing, but its almost the price u pay when things don't work out, and when u try and try ur best but it doesn't seem to get through any friggin heads. What i do from now on, may very well deepen this problem i think i have - and i think once its gone deep, there's no way of getting out of it, bc well, it involves too many ppl.
Yes, its a risk. Is it a risk i'm willing to take? It's a maybe. But its closer to a yes than a no. Because part of my self discovery is that i don't want to handle this anymore. I don't want to sit here, and ponder too much on these things anymore. It's not worth my time or effort- if nothing has happened to fix it. It's almost as if, it's not worth my friendship if i don't feel that the other ppl are investing as much into it as i am. It's not worth my friendship, if they can't be bothered enough to care and make the small changes. It's definitely not worth my friendship, if i feel used.
Sounds scary? It sure is. Sounds selfish? Most certainly. Sounds like i'm talking bullshit? U know what? for the first time since i've been writing blogs, i don't think so. I don't think so at all. Some of u may think i'm just overanalysing things and yes maybe i do. But sometimes, we may just need that.
I'll figure out what to do from here now that i know there are two choices. funny now, when i look back to sunday and read my blog - yeah most of it is true..this is damn scary this new conclusion i have abt myself...i'm harsher than i thought i was and not so tolerate. But then again, maybe i've been too tolerate. Either way, i'm still scared shitless abt the consequences - i could essential end up worse off than i am now.
Self discoveries. U have to love them.
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