disappointment
i was going to blog abt something else today. i really really was. but i no longer have the heart for it. i even had an intro planned and everything, bc i thought it was that important for me to note it....hopefully, i'll still do it soon....but right now.....
i'm not so happy. don't worry, i'm not abt to go into crapular week mode again, nor week 13, i hate myself either....i'm pass those stages and i've grown from them and i don't want to go there again this whole year (and preferably, the next year too). but i am feeling disappointment, despair, frustration. absolute frustration.
i'm feeling half used too. i don't know how many of u know, but feeling used is the most STUPIDLY pathetic feeling in the world, bc u are angry at the person but ur blaming urself too for being stupidly used. blaming urself for letting it happen. bc if u can see it now, why couldn't u see it then? good point, good point.
i've also realised that the word sorry has lost all its meaning to me. it just doesn't stick. what use is it to me if ur just feeling sorry and wishing u could take it back? do u realise that u've done it, that its happened, that there is nothing else u can do abt it but try to rectify it? saying sorry is way too easy. hell, i say sorry every 5 secs, when i bump into someone, i say sorry, when someone bumps into me, i....easy pisy...
it's like that "more than words" song - i don't care that u can say sorry. i want to know if ur going to do anything abt it to make it better. i want to feel like ur trying something - anything, absolutely anything - i want to see the small steps damn it...forget the sorry...
if u think u need to say sorry. tell it to urself. see if u actually feel that regret. and if u do, do something abt it. just don't tell me that ur sorry in hopes that all things will be forgotten. don't tell me ur sorry bc its that easy, its what seems to be the quickest way out of our problem. bc it isn't any more.
from now on, if i'm at fault, call me out on it. because i think its time i grow up and do something abt it. and part of that means, if ur at fault, i'm calling u out on it. and boy, are u going to hear me.
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