flight of ideas
There are so many thoughts in my head that I furiously want to blonk them all down. But sometimes I feel reserved, and not so, willing, to bring them all out. Go figure.
These days have pretty merged into one. I'm becoming more independent which is odd. Well, for me I think. As a classical girl, as ur typical girl, I am very prone to latching on. But I suppose doing psychiatry (where we're left to our own devices to 'mix it up' w the patients) and doing GP on ur own, well, what can I say. And let's not forget, boys don't like latchers (stupid being stuck w boys only. lol.)
The good side to it is yes! agaiN! meeting and greeting new ppl. Ppl that we would otherwise not talk to. It's very exciting. I've noticed a routine I do w all new ppl, where i go into extreme mode, and as long as I can make them laugh and at ease, I'm happy.
But it does lead to problems. Sometimes, w old friends, bc of what I've been like in the past, I feel like I'm being all walked over. And that annoys me to bits. WHY? WHY DO U DO THAT??? Added to the frustration is that I can see why they are doing. I can also see their reaction if I were to make a big deal out of it. And its not pretty. Life isn't fair is it??
Of course not. (talk abt flight of ideas but...)...I got some bad family news abt 3 wks ago. I am myself, unsure of how to deal w it. It's distressing me a little. I've noticed, that as a medical student, when I'm faced with patients and their families, and when we tell them bad news, i kinda KNOW what to do. I kinda KNOW how to react. I kinda KNOW how to deal with their issues. Possible reasons: I'm a stranger,so they're not going to show all of themselves, their true self. They speak english. Their only expectation is that i show some sympathy bc afterall, i am a medical student.
But when its family, its always so hard. So far, I've realised that the way I'm dealing with this issue is making it very medically focussed. I've separated the person. But its so damn hard trying to think of how I should deal with her, the family. I want to help. But how??? It's so not in our culture to be... warm. I don't know how to say it in Vietnamese. I don't know how to show it through body language. I honestly, don't know what they're going through.
What freaks me out is that I have suddenly become the only person in the family w the back knowledge. They've been told things that I personally disagree with. And using the info they've been told, I've come up w a prognosis. And i know deep down inside, IT'S NOT GOOD. How do I not tell them and yet keep their spirits up???
I don't even know them that closely. It's been years since I've last interacted with her, not bc I didn't want to but family politics prevented us. Sometimes, being Vietnamese is the SHITTEST THING IN THE WORLD.
I realised that the other day as well. We went to David's play, saw it, felt oh so bored with it and then waited for him to come out so we could take him home. And the whole time, i thought, if this was someone else, I'd be like HEY GOOD PLAY, but w David??? The words did not form. My parents couldn't do it either. We sat there as blobs, trying to think of something good and useful to say. I decided on: "hey, it was funnier than last year." He took the semi compliment awkwardly too.
We're starting to practise as a family though. David recently got As and A+s for sacs, and the 3 of us (parents plus me) had this whole big discussion on just HOW to congradulate him. IE. saying Well done. In the end, my mother and I sorta left it to my dad to say it. Again, I couldn't really say the words. But could I critise him?? U betcha.
Alot of this uneasiness among family members is ingrown. It's the VIET thing. And as much as it sounds like I'm just blaming, it is the truth. Everytime I go to hug my dad, he feels compelled to tell me that he was NEVER ALLOWED to do this to his own father, his own mother. And as the K told me last wk, my mannerisms are too much like my mother. So for future references, I'm pretty sure I WILL DEFINITELY be doing alot of critising and very little praising.
It's times like this that I realise just how little I've matured. And it annoys me greatly. It just feels like I should be hitting some sort of emotional milestone but I haven't. And when all these issues begin to pile up, I just want to withdraw. Right now, the thing that sounds like it'll be the best thing ever is just for me to get up, walk away and never turn back. Sometimes, being on your own, isn't the worse thing in the world.
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