Chvi

resentment

It has been 5 days into the new year and already I'm displeased w myself.

I'm feeling rather blaze lately and quite uptight. As i jokely told my friends (but really thought it true), I've got a major stick up my arse and its making me be a complete bitch wo actually meaning it.

I just don't have fun anymore. And that annoys me. I suppose that the impending year ahead of me, the fact that its gonna be a hard one hasn't helped one bit. I'm becoming more and more anally retentive. I'm annoyed at my parents for not acknowledging that its gonna be a hard year. I resent my brother, who is facing the biggest hurdle of his acaedemic career wo caring too much abt it. I resent the fact that my parents have somehow made me responsible for his studyng.

I resent it bc it just goes to show that once again, he is having it easier. When i went through year 12, it was me who was in control of the game. It seems that David doesn't care.

And when he doesn't care, its hard to care too. I can't give a fuck if he doesn't. I resent the fact that he's sooo stubborn and arrogant and i swear to god, i could smack him over the head so many times that his teeth come out.

But most of all, I resent that his life seems to go swimmingly, even when he has never proven to our parents that he is thankful for the opportunities that he has been given as I have. And I really have. Good enter score, medicine, passed 3rd year, heading into 4th. I've done my job. He hasn't. And yet, he gets everything that I get wo lifting a finger. And the parent unit expect me to help him.

I suppose at this age, jealousy over siblings should have been irradicated, but its not abt jealousy anymore. It's abt having the choice to do what i want to wo responsibility thrown at me. Once again, I'm facing the big issue of having to be FEMALE, the ELDEST, and VIETNAMESE. I resent all 3. And when i see david, and how he is treated, and what is expected of me, I just get constantly reminded of the restraits I have in my life, and how very few he has.

I mean for fucks sake, he introed his ITALIAN GF to my parents, and THEY ACCEPTED IT. HE'S IN FUCKING YEAR 12. HE'S DATING SOMEONE WHO'S NOT VIET. And u'd think this would help my cause. It has only served to worsen it.

So i'm bitchy atm. I'm resentful. And i don't want to bond w the boy bc there's alot of anger there still. Towards him. Towards the parents.

And while I'm writing this and realising just how much anger there is, I also realise just how pathetic this whole thing is. But I can't help the way I feel. And i hate it bc its affecting everything, including wanting to hang around close friends. It almost feels like I can't be bothered anymore, and I would gladly sting each and everyone of them w words that would only serve to hurt them.

My cousin told me over Christmas that she reckons I'll have a nervous breakdown soon. I think its possible. I resent my cousin for mentioning and then leaving it there. FUCK OFF BITCH. I wonder why she didn't offer her "expert" advice as to how to change it. PFFT.

Resentment. I like the word. Really explains how I feel atm.

posted by chvi @ 4:43 PM