worrier me
it's 1.45 am. And i'm not overly tired. I'm slightly depressed.
It's probably exam stress as i couldn't do alot of the path questions tonight but alot of it is RPA related too. And then i just watched first episode of the OC season 3 (yes i know how sad) but all of it made me really depressed.
RPA had a boy who got a rare bone cancer that had already metasized to his lungs. He is only 13. It was decided that they would remove his infected bone, radiate the cancer completely, and reconstruct his bone structure. Now I had seen from the first time he walked in and was given the diagnosis a few weeks back, so i was painfully aware of how tough this whole thing was for him and his family.
And when the doctor asked the mother, how is the family? and she replied "we're falling apart but that's ok, I have to worry abt this (her son and his fight against cancer)" I broke down and cried. And i still feel like crying.
Then there was that father w primary billary ...cirrhosis? Or did he have primary sclerosing cholongitis? either all, he needed a liver transplant. and he was very jaundiced. and he was running out of time, and his family were in FEAR. and that didn't sit well either.
The previews for next week's episode showed, and apparently there's complications w the boy's operation. Not cool. So that's not sitting well.
And then, watching the OC, the one after marissa dies? and no one is handling it well? WELL!!!
I would prefer to talk this through w someone i suppose, but i'm still trying to figure out exactly what i'm feeling, but its exam period and everyone is in blah blah. But i don't feel right. It's kinda like i'm way too innocent for this stuff. Ok that sounds weird i know. But. Sigh.
Here's my long winded explanation. My mother worries that i'm too cold to kids. And she worries i'm too cold in general. I think, at times, i do set off a mood like that bc i'm doing my best not to let anything affect me. I have, what i reckon, a very addictive nature. And if i get too much of a good thing, well I get majorly depressed when the good things go. I hate feeling shitty and i hate feeling all OMG WHAT NOW bc it keeps me up at night LIKE THIS.
So back to what i've watched. I haven't really experienced any close deaths. I haven't really experienced any close illnesses. I mean, yes my grandma is ill, but hers is chronic in nature, and the thing abt chronic, is that it is progressive. Nothing of the immediate danger.
And I am thankful for it. But I realise i'm not going to good w these kinda situations. What happens when i have to deal w something like those scenes mentioned?
I unfortunately take everything to heart. and i make up abt 50 different scenarios from that one piece of information so that i can prepare myself for the worse. It of course, makes me FEEL LIKE THIS , where i'm frantic, and worried and annoyed and frustrated but its just how my mind works.
I'm a worrier. And it annoys me. I really wish i didn't. It would be good. I also wish that i could find a balance btw emotional turmoil. This is really, bordering PMS 24/7. OMG. If i ever become pregnant, how bad would i be!!! ah, a little humour to lighten up my mood.
Ok, so i sucked at that. and this is a massive ramble. hmmm suppose i'll have deny these concerns until they actually come up. ah, well, having written abt it, it feels a like the weight off my chest has been lifted..slightly.
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