Chvi

the year that wasn't

I have abt 4 weeks til end of exams. I am of course quite apprehensive abt exams. But that's not what i worry abt.

W every end of exam period, comes the thought that my year is over. And the fact that my year is over in 4 weeks time is scaring the crap out of me. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??? The year flew by so damn fast that i can't remember from day 1 what has happened.

I'm quite upset over the whole thing. I haven't accomplished a thing. I do not feel i've grown in any substantial way. In fact, if possible, I am more selfish and more cocky. I act more like a 15 year old. I am not content with life as it is.

I haven't made headway in my course. I feel just as lost. Just as tired as before. I have no idea what i'm going to do. I don't know if i'll make it past this point and I worry that med is become the end all and be all of my small world.

Friendship wise has taken a turn for the worse. What the hell is going on around here? A few months ago i felt like i was developing strong friendship bonds, now i feel like a discarded accessory.

And boyfriend wise? Not that its a pressing matter. But parents are putting on solid pressure atm. And no, contary to belief, tina my good friend, hehe the prospects of what we thought was a good idea is now looking to becoming zilch. gone. vit. wasn't there in the first place. BUT, as i keep moving in this medical world, i can foresee a bitter lonely world. haha. FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC.

I just feel like i made no progress this year. I just sat in one spot. I didn't do anything great. I didn't learn anything great. Nothing great happened. Sure, i'm grateful that i've had quite an uneventful year, but still. I turned 21 this year and all i can say is i feel like i have the maturity and the responsibility of a 15 year old. Except, i don't have as much fun.

AND THE YEAR IS ENDING SHITLY. and i'm feeling shitly. and worse, i feel that crazy girl mentality coming on BIG TIME. and that sucks. bc everyone hates the crazy girl. including myself. and how i worked hard to avoid her. but she is coming. and its exam time. and i just don't feel like life is worth much right at this moment.


My relationship w my parents are fucked. My relationship w my brother is non existent. I haven't made any progress w any friendships, new or old. And myself? I haven't grown.

I hate exam periods. It gives u too much reflection time.

posted by chvi @ 1:04 AM