Chvi

sorrow

I can't believe my 300th post is going to be such a morbid one...

But about 30 mins ago, my whole cohort was told one of us, had died. We don't know how, we don't know under what circumstances, we just know, he's dead.

And it is a complete shock. I'm speechless. I'm drowning in sorrow and pain and dispair that this could happen to one of us. And its made so much more worse, bc I knew of the guy, but didn't know him that well. But I really wanted to, and I really was going to make an effort whenever next we happen to be in the same hospital/study place. But I've lost the chance.

With everything that is going on atm, I'm struggling to find the good in it all. I'm struggling to determine my 'next' move bc I don't feel worthy of moving on. I don't think I should. All the 'bad stuff' that has happened in the last month, has happened indirectly to me. I'm at least 3 times removed from the situation at hand.

And I struggle to be around people, bc I don't want to them to see how much this is affecting me. Bc if they saw a glimpse, they would ask, and suddenly I've turned it into my problem. But it isn't, and I just wish, I knew the right thing to do.

I am worried now though. Everytime I hear bad news now, its getting one step closer to being something that directly affects me. I pray that we are all looked after, watched over. Kept safe.

To my classmate, to the friend I didn't take the chance to get to know, I wish you peace. I pray for your family and your true friends and hope they make it through this tragic time. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better, but from all accounts, you were one of the nicest guys anyone has ever met. I have loss bc I missed out on knowing you better.

I hope that we can all learn something from this - life is indeed too short. I hope I learn it.

posted by chvi @ 7:33 PM