Chvi

The last few months...

So, quite possibly the only person to read this blog, has asked me to update.

It isn't that I have tried these last few months. I thought the first time I get a pap smear right, THAT will be worthy of a blog. I thought the first time I palpate a pregnant lady's abdomen and can figure out which way her baby is lying and find its heart beat, THAT will be worthy of a blog. I thought that the first time I assist in a birth, THAT will be a worthy blog.

Well, over the last few months, those accomplishments have come and gone. I can say that within those moments, I was damn proud of myself. Do u know how difficult it is to locate a cervix? It's worse when the uterus is positioned in a different way. It's worse when things have been done "down there" and everything is just messy. Hell, I found the damn cervix when the patient had a BMI of 50+ (yes u read right). And I was proud. Bc doing a pap smear is a private thing, and here are these generous women allowing me the opportunity to practise. I also didn't find many as well, and it's more exciting when you do.

The palpation of a pregnant woman is damn difficult when u have no idea what u are feeling. It's taken a few shots, but I think I can differentiate the arms and legs from the back in a poor fetus.
But perhaps the most exciting thing of this rotation are the births. I have seen 5 women give birth. I have helped in those births. I stayed from 7am til 5am the next day (sleeping at the hospital no less) for those births.

I only wish I could remember and blog most of the experience. It's just in the midst of all these wonderful small accomplishments in my medical education it feels like my world is hanging on a thin thread (as cliche as that sounds) and I have to be on the edge, thinking that any moment now, things will change and I will have to rebuild. Rebuild what exactly confuses me but it feels like things will crash and burn any second now. Each time I tried to blog about those wonderful medical things, I couldn't. I couldn't fathom the good words. Because I'm living on the edge.

And its exhausting, having felt like this in the last 2 months. It is exhausting staying this apprehensive, waiting for who know's what, and realizing its not going to eventuate. But I know, as soon as my defence goes down, that's when it will happen. It is coming.

It's kinda like the 'world on my shoulders' (ooh 2nd cliche). My brother is doing year 12 this year. HE WILL FINISH HIS HIGH SCHOOL IN 3 WEEKS. My little brother. My brother who I protected when he was in prep. My brother who I protected from bullies in Vietnamese school. He's growing up and he's abt to sit the exams of his LIFE. And I can't protect him from this. I thought me going into medical school I could have protected him a little, but I think its made it worse. And he's strong headed, and a teenage boy who doesn't want to hear advice from his parents or his sister and I'm scared. I'm so scared for him. Bc I want him to succeed in life, and I don't want him to feel like he will fail in life if this turns out horribly for him. I just want it to be good. I hope everything is good. Just make it... good for him.

My grandma was admitted into hospital abt a month and a half ago. For septicaemia. That is such a nasty word in medicine. And I heard it. And I know her history. And I know what can happen. And I know what is LIKELY to happen. And then the drs decided to ask my mum if she had thought abt DNR. I felt like my grandma was going to die. And it wouldn't be a matter of a few months, it would be NOW. Fortunately, she's stable now. But her health is so hit and miss, that I fear that the time will be soon again.

Then there are my parents. I spent a week alone in Warrnambool this year. I learnt something while I was up there. I don't like being alone. I don't like not being around my family. I need my parents still and I need them to still baby me (which they do LOL). But they worry me. My father, suddenly seems like his health is failing him. Its not bad, but I've just started noticing a few more signs and that don't settle well with me. And I have this nagging feeling that I SHOULD do something, but what exactly I can't figure out. I'm not even a doctor yet. I have no power to do anything.

And then there is my mother. My mother is the core of this family. I'm not sure if we could function happily wo her, and I hope I never find out. But if i think the world is on shoulders, then the universe is on hers (cliche no. 3!). She's trying so hard. To be everything. My grandma's daughter. Be there everyday, everytime she needs. Make decisions like DNR and treatment plans. She's trying to be a very supportive mother to david. But David is very different to me. He won't complain or bring out his problems. He doesn't want the parents to know. And she doesn't know what to do with herself. Then there's my dad. I have told her of my concerns for him and I feel she may have taken that on board. And of course there's me. I need all the support I can get bc its fucking 4TH YEAR. And i desperately want to pass these exams that I can't seem to STUDY FOR BC ITS TOO MUCH. Anyway, the point of this is that, whatever my mum feels, I can feel it. I know when she's at her extreme. I know when she's abt to break. I so want to help her. I just don't know how.

So my world is still hanging on a thread. And I'm doing my best to accept it as a phase and that it will go. I will make through this bc other ppl go through much worse. I will make through this bc time moves on. I will make through this bc I have done good pap smears, palpated LIFE in another woman. I will be ok bc I helped bring babies into the world. If I had to take small victories to function, to be ok with living on edge, then these are the things I'll take.

Woah. Long blog. Darkish blog. I just though posting it would make me feel better. I'll try and remember the last few experiences I've had of this semester and post them soon. I'll make them more light, I promise.

posted by chvi @ 4:54 PM