Chvi

Life Event

So, it is 6 30 am in the morning and I am strangely wide awake even though I actually went to bed at 2am.

I think I am thinking too much. It is a strange habit of mine from time to time, and yes, unfortunately it does affect my sleep alot. And hence I am up during my LAST DAY OF HOLIDAYS at an ungodly hour. The shock horror of this all.

But I think that my head is spinning bc I may or may not be embarking on a life mistake. You know, one of those mistakes that later on in your life you go, dear god, why the hell did I do that - a mistake that takes your life in a different direction.

I just feel that it is life changing event. Unfortunately, I don't know how I feel about it. Sure, I've called it a mistake, but that's bc I have this undesirable habit of looking at things at which I have control over, with a hint of pessimistic ideals. It may not be a mistake and be a good addition to my life. Who knows.

Some part of me wonders why I torture myself. Considering I am labelling it as a mistake atm makes it seem like the logical step is to actually, stop this event from happening. I feel in this situation, I have the power to do so.

But another part of me thinks that my life has stayed in this moment for too long. I haven't actually done very much outside of med last year. Hell, I didn't do much inside med either and so it almost feels like its time for life lesson #39432 or whatever life lesson I am up to, to work its magic so at least I can say, I did not waste 2008.

Another problem that I'm having difficulty coming to terms with is whether or not this event is even my idea. How odd does that sound? But I can be easily influenced by outside pressure and so I myself am unaware if this is what I wanted consciously or subconsciously have gone with it bc other ppl have mentioned it. In the past, I have 'gone with the flow' but subsequently, it hasn't always turned out very well.

So what now? I think that's what is keeping me up. What the fuck do I do w this situation? This decision isn't easy bc I don't know what I want out of this or what to expect out of this and I can't even ask for advice bc I'm not sure what sort of advice I should be getting. It really is spinning me out a little.

Anyone got a crystal ball I can try out?

It's times like this that even though I am creeping onto turning fucking 23, I realise that 23 years isn't a lot to experience life. Especially when your asian. Scratch that, especially when ur asian who is doing medicine. It's a no brainer. Of course I'm going to get stuck on life questions bc I am hardly faced with them.

Will keep you posted on what happens next trusty old blog.

posted by chvi @ 6:29 AM