Chvi

Thoughts out again

So I've had a very unexpected reaction to finding out that I actually fly out on Friday night, instead of my thought of Saturday night.

I don't know why, but I have become slightly more anxious and a little more flustered. It's only a day. But its a day i thought I still had and it isn't.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very excited abt this trip. But I still feel unsorted. Undefined. Like unfinished business is here and really, that unfinished business is me.

I find that every so often, when I think my world is going along quite happily and smoothly, that I get knocked back by a 'higher power' and stripped of my confidence. And that's what has happened to me in the last month or so. I realise why I am here in this position. My ego outgrew me. I became too snobbish. This is my punishment for thinking i'm too good for everything.

I hate coming to this position. It is humbling sure, but it hurts like hell. It hurts to realise ur not anywhere different then u were years ago, to realise that perhaps bc of the lack of moving forward, u have moved behind.

I thought that by leaving for Europe I'll be ok and when I come back everything will be ok. But I also feel like that maybe bc I haven't sorted myself out yet, then when I return it'll be just as shit.

I go back and forth from this same situation. I hate it. So very much hate it. And now I only have 6 days left to deal with it.

Not that I'm knocking a europe trip. I look forward to having a new thing to think abt and new challenges. Please, just let everything work itself out by the time I'm back. I just really hope that the 2nd half of 2008 will be better. Really, I do.

posted by chvi @ 1:00 PM