Denial
Have I posted under such a title before? If I haven't, I probably should have already.
This year is really dedicated to learning about myself (why am I so cliched in every aspect of my life) considering I should have time this year and well, it would be good to sort myself out a bit before u know, horrible world of WORK. ARGH WORK.
But the last few weeks I've noticed that I'm very good in the denial department. It is basically my way of dealing with something I don't want to deal with. Obviously. I think that's the purpose w most ppl when it comes to denial.
What made me start thinking abt denial was that earlier this year 2 of my gfs (cough, tina, cough) told me very bluntly that I was high maintance. I have not yet gotten over that remark yet. It bugs me til no end, mainly bc I hate watching girls who are high maintance walk around. And to think I'm high maintance? It actually really annoys me to the point where I had to ask my uni friends abt it, hoping to get a better answer. Instead i got told forthright that no, I am high maintance and that was it. I think I may have become a little depressed.
I have publicly outrightly stated that I don't think myself as high maintance, but don't be fooled, I see it. I just deny it. Bc i look at my mother, and I see the sighing and the "omg leave me alone" attitude i develop when she goes into her high maintance mode and I just think, I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT EVER. Plus being high maintance almost automatically means u never actually get to be happy bc u have these expectations that u expect most ppl won't meet so u can yell at anyway. Dear god. Is that truly me?
There are other things that I deny which are more serious. We can start w the incident I wrote down below. My grandma. I have probably been hammered by my mother abt 50 million times for not having made the trip down to visit her. And I probably should. Probably? No I should. I really should. But I am actually scared shitless that when I see her and then I go on my wards and I see other elderly ppl w similar symptoms, I'll crack it. Like in front of my reg and my intern crack it. Like, crumble and crack it. I'm not too good w the emotion shit.
Plus, I have this pride thing which has been coming out alot lately and really, I don't need ppl to see me cry. Bc that's highly embarassing. For me. Bc I don't know how they are to react to me acting like that. No idea. LOL. I have also been having massive denials abt my status as a final year med student. I am quite over the "omg should i be in med?" but I can't get over the fact that I feel like i should know EVERYTHING. Literally. And I atm, can't handle the idea. It scares me too much and personally, something I don't want to deal with.
Not dealing w these things has obviously put me a few steps back in the 'mature' developmental stage. But I think after a year of not living life, and living medicine, and not taking anything but medical info in has actually stunted my ability to process the actual emotional shit that ppl have to do on a daily basis.
What I mean is I actually can't handle my own emotions atm. And as part of this, comes denial. I can state whatever situation I am in the moment, but I just don't ask me to process it bc I can't wrap my head around it.
I don't know when maturity is meant to hit me but I'm pretty sure it hasn't yet. The worrying part is that life is actually making these mature events happen at a faster rate than I am developing and well, life can stop that and just give me some fun now.
Um. Is this like the 50th consecutive post that sounds dark and twisty??
Sorry, I don't seem to blog when I'm chirpy.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home