so...
Ok, so reading back on the last post made me realize that that post was rather dramatic. I would apologise for it, but hey, it was 6 30am in the morning and who would actually expect me to think rationally??!!!
The purpose of that rant was really to sort my head out. To make it less cryptic, the day of the rant was the day my grandma's condition took a turn for the worse and I was stuck thinking that I had to help my mum make a decision that I did not want to make.
The details of what 'went down' will obviously not be written here but yes I, being dramatic, probably did overdo it. But it was a rant that needed to be done and it is was a rant well done. The issue is still not resolved. Sigh.
I've started uni again and find myself on the aged care rotation. It is actually very depressing and it pains me to be at uni. Really, bc i don't want to be there ( i think i still need 4 wks) but its a very strong reminder of what's actually going on atm that is waking me up at god knows what hours. Probably worse, its preventing me from actually dealing w the situation bc I really don't want to actually go through w what I see on ward rounds personally.
And that's probably where the mistake lies. But I still think it could be a major, life changing event if I went the other way bc it would change the way my family viewed me. Maybe. Still thinking hard on it.
On a less emotional but just as frustrating point, starting med/surge again shows me how much I still have to learn. I have forgotten EVERYTHING and it pains me to actually think I have to sit down and study. Who does that??? So stupid.
One thing that I know for sure from this rotation is that I do not want to be die after I've lost my mind. I want to die before that happens. Bc the other option is a very difficult life to lead and one that starts burdening ur family, friends and society. I know that it interferes too, w the way ppl had seen u to what they see u now, and u lose dignity as time goes on. It gets to the point where the elderly patient is no longer themselves, and the family can hardly recognise and all they're waiting for now is for some sort of relief. Any relief.
It's a problem of the aging population and a problem I know I'll have to face day in and day out considering my career. But w not even a quarter of a century of life experience with me, it is hard to deal with currently. I am not mature enough for this, and hence either way, I still think it'll be a mistake. Regardless.
Shit, am I still ranting on abt it?? LOL.
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