Chvi

Mini crisis

I'm currently being bombarded with having to decide things abt my life at the moment. It's daunting, and certainly not something that I want to do all the time. In fact, I have no desire at this moment to even think of pros and cons and make a decision abt any of it. I like this limbo, I like my life stationed as it is at the moment, I don't want it to move on.

But of course, it does. So how do I decide? How do I make the right decision so that later on I'll be happy with what I've chosen? How does 1 know how to do any of that?

I am putting off typing my CV at the moment, mainly because it is very depressing. I stare it knowing that there's not much to fill up on. And it really makes me think. It's as if I've wasted the last 5 years and haven't done nada.

I don't think my friendships are as solid as I thought they would be when I first started fresh eyed in 1st year. I am still relationshipless, and now even I feel my 'career' is flagging bc I don't want to make a decision on anything.

I read somewhere that at this age, you usually have one or the other. An awesome career or a fantastic relationship. You can't have both because it takes too much of ur attention. But what happens when, like me, you have neither? Then what? I use to make it a-ok by thinking that you can fill 'the void' w friendships, but lately I feel either used or the user or non existent and that's a bummer let me tell you.

I realise as I type this that I am not the only one facing these dilemmas. There are many more of you in the same boat. Of course, there are ppl in worse situations but enough of political correctness, I'm having a mini crisis at the moment damnit! I am not enjoying this at all.

What really got me thinking about all this is that this year is our 5th year reunion for school. I know that I have joked that life is still the same but it really hit home today. LIFE IS THE SAME. Life is not different. Life is as it was before. I am no more ahead then I am behind. I am just in one spot. Wondering. Wishing. Wishing for something big to happen.

At this point, the more non understanding of you would be wanting to slap me (I too want to slap me many a times) and say something like: "if you want your life to change, then you make the change!" But what change do I want? I have no idea. I just want to feel like I've moved somewhere. Making progress somewhere.

Of course, the problem is, I want to sleep.

posted by chvi @ 5:39 PM